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[personal profile] redmisoplz
A few weeks ago, a Japanese friend of mine who otherwise dislikes all things "Johnny's Jimusho" sent me a flailing facebook message saying, "You need to see Matsuoka-kun on Shabekuri007!" She was absolutely right. If you'd like to view the segment, you can find the file over here at Tudou or I have uploaded the flv rip I took on Megaupload. It's probably best to watch and scroll along with the text at the same time. Just sayin'.





Beginning at minute 3:08
Ueda: Tonight is our two hour special full of reportedly fabulous guests.
Ueda: I wonder if truly fabulous guests will appear for us.
Ueda: Whoever could our first wonderful guest be?
Ueda: Tonight’s guest is this person!
Fukuda: A splendid guest?
Ueda: Tonight’s guest is TOKIO’s Matsuoka Masahiro!
Mabo: What’s with that reaction?
Ueda: We were genuinely surprised!
Ueda: A truly wonderful person came out!
Ueda: When we were told a fabulous guest will be on the show, we didn’t have much faith.
Nagura: We were shocked!
Mabo: You were?
Nagura: Even your clothes! You skipped past spring and went to summer!
Ueda: His clothes are extreme, and even the way he walks makes him look like a thug!
Ueda: Well, among all the Johnny’s, you have that “older brother” image.
Nagura: That’s true, isn’t it?
Ueda: Right?
Mabo: When I asked my sempai, they said, “You were a bad boy.”
Mabo: My sempai told me that.
Ueda: Really?
Mabo: Yes.
Ueda: When you look back on it, do you think, “I was a bad kid?”
Mabo: Well uh, umm, err…
Ueda: It’s true!
Mabo: That would be correct!
All: Very true.
Ueda: Were you angry, Matsuoka-kun?
Mabo: I was angry then.
Mabo: My hair was much taller then*.
*Pun alert! ‘Tongaru’ means “to be cross” or “to come to a point.”
Ken: He was sharp!
Arita: For us during our youth, we thought Johnny’s Jimusho was like, “Yes! Good evening!”
Ueda: That’s true.
Mabo: Right.
Arita: “We’re going to do our best today!”
Ueda: Right.
Arita: “So yeah, we, uh…”
Arita: But you didn’t do this head motion, did you?
Mabo: No, we didn’t!
Mabo: We were like that at first too.
Arita: So you did do that at first?
Mabo: We did. “Hello! We’re TOKIO!”
Ueda: You did?!
Fuku: No way!
Mabo: We did it like that at first, but even we have our limits.
Ueda: It was unnatural?
Mabo: It was!
Arita: It’s like you’re lying.
Mabo: We weren’t really lying, and we thought, “This is definitely important for getting ahead in the world,” but this doesn’t really fit us.
Mabo: And we knew it, and everyone around us knew it.
Ueda: I see.
Ueda: Is it really okay for you to come here?
Ueda: We’re very happy to have you here, but…
Mabo: It’s totally okay, isn’t it?
Ueda: Well if Matsuoka-kun thinks it’s okay, then it’s okay!
Narrator: Johnny’s secret leader of hoodlums, TOKIO’s Matsuoka Masahiro, will give us the behind the scenes info from the agency!
Ueda: The scariest member of Johnny’s Jimusho is…!
All: EHH?!
Mabo: If this person were my sempai, I’d definitely be...
Narrator: Harsh Johnny’s!
Ueda: Is that so?!
[Narration]
Ueda: First on tonight's star-studded guest special is TOKIO's Matsuoka Masahiro!
Mabo: Good evening!
Ueda: Everyone, you know about Matsuoka-kun, but
Nagura: Of course we do!
Ueda: We do have his profile here, so
Mabo: Thank you
Arita: Oh really?
Ueda: let's have a look anyway.
Ueda: Huh? Is it alright if we don't?
Arita: We already know about him!
Ueda: Well then, go ahead and tell us about Matsuoka-kun!
Arita: We know he's Matsuoka Masahiro.
Mabo: Wow, you know my full name!
Arita: Of course!
Arita: But that's about it...
Ueda: HEY!
Ueda: You don't know a thing about him!
Arita: Isn't that enough?!
Ueda: What about his age, for example?
Tokui: Age, huh... thirty... seven or so?
Mabo: Ahh...
Ueda: Thirty-seven...
Mabo: I'm thirty-four years old.
Tokui: Eh?! Seriously?
Mabo: Yes.
Ueda: You're treating an idol like an old man!
Ueda: That's rude!
Tokui: No no, I got him confused with Leader!
Mabo: Leader will be forty-one, Yamaguchi will be forty this year.
Mabo: Taichi is two years older than me, so he'll be 37.
Mabo: I'll turn 35 this year, and since Nagase is two years younger than me, he'll be 33.
Ueda: Do you ever feel a generation gap? For example, between Leader.
Mabo: There was at first.
Ueda: There would be.
Ueda: So when you first met Leader, how old were you, Matsuoka-kun?
Mabo: It was 22 years ago, so I was 12.
Ueda: So Leader was about 20 years old?
Mabo: That guy* was 18.
*Note: Mabo uses a very casual and familiar pronoun for "he."
Fukuda: He's older than you!
Ueda: So he was a senior in high school and you were a sixth-grader in elementary school?
mabo: The amazing thing was I already knew about this Joshima Shigeru person.
Mabo: I saw him on TV in dramas.
Ueda: I see, I see.
Mabo: About two years before I entered the agency.
Mabo: So he came in with his guitar slung over his shoulder and said, "G'morning."
Mabo: I kinda lost my head and thought, "This guy's so cool!"
All: You weren't crazy!
Ueda: He was cool!
Mabo: He, too, wanted to take on being a sempai.
Mabo: He got excited when I'd keeping saying, "You're cool."
Mabo: He started stepping out in front
Mabo: And when the crowd yelled "Yeah!" he'd swing his guitar!
Ueda: So at what point did you start referring to such a cool person as "that guy?"
All: Something happened, right?
Mabo: He couldn't dance.
Ueda: Leader Joshima couldn't?
Mabo: We had to dance.
Mabo: In the past, TOKIO was a dance group.
Mabo: At that time, the troubling thought crossed my mind, "Hmm... is this guy gonna be okay?"
Mabo: "Something's different."
Mabo: And so when we tried to teach him the dance steps, it was like this (the younger ones teaching the older)...
Ueda: I get it!
Nagura: The kids are quick!
Ueda: Matsuoka is thirty-four years old…
All: Yes!
Ueda: And this spring's NHK drama, "High School Restaurant," will be his seventh Saturday evening drama!
Nagura: Wow!
Ueda: Could you refrain from putting these cleverly disguised announcements in your profile?
Mabo: I'm really very sorry.
Mabo: I truly am, but I'd like to properly give this announcement.
Ueda: What kind of drama is it?
Mabo: It's set in Mie Prefecture, and is based on a real restaurant being run by high school students.
Tokui: Oh, I know that one!
Mabo: Yes, that's the one.
Mabo: A man who's running a restaurant in Ginza is suddenly called to help with this restaurant.
Mabo: I play the part of the professional chef
Mabo: and with the student's troubles and the chef's troubles, we mature together.
Ueda: I understand. Certainly when we talk about Saturday evening dramas, we imagine Matsuoka.
Mabo: I've been blessed to be in many.
Mabo: On my twentieth birthday, my first drama aired.
Mabo: I played a boy with supernatural ability.
Mabo: Psychometer Eiji*
*Note: a manga about a boy with extra-sensory perception
Harada: That was awesome!
Mabo: That was fourteen years ago.
Tokui: Was it really that long ago?
Mabo: Yeah...
Ueda: He's become quite the mature adult, right!
Ueda: The once wild Matsuoka-kun...
Mabo: Thank you.
Mabo: What's with this warm applause from the audience?!
Ueda: They're like, "He's been rehabilitated!"
Ueda: It seems we have a lot of information today.
Ueda: The staff previously collected information surrounding Matsuoka-kun.
Ueda: Various stories of legendary masculinity came out.
Nagura: Seems like they would!
Ueda: We asked Arashi's Ohno-kun.
Ueda: This is the example from Ohno-kun.
Ueda: I was at a restaurant I know and wanted to drink with Matsuoka-kun, so I called him up.
Ueda: Even though it seemed like he was sleeping, he came out anyway!
Ueda: Matsuoka-kun left before me, but when I went to pay the bill,
Ueda: The staff said, "It's already been taken care of," so Matsuoka-kun paid for me ahead of time.
Ueda: Whenever we drink together, he always secretly takes care of the bill.
Ueda: Thank you very much!
Nagura: That's smooth!
Ueda: Usually you wouldn't answer the phone when you're sleeping.
Nagura: And you wouldn't think "I'll go" in the middle of the night!
Mabo: If it's a kouhai, you have to go.
Arita: Comedians aren't to be treated lightly either.
Arita: If I call Ken-chan and he says he's sleeping and I say "Let's go to the cabaret club now," he'll definitely go!
Ken: That's not true!
Mabo: Cabaret club, huh!
Ueda: Is Ohno-kun someone you drink with often?
Mabo: Yeah, Ohno-kun and I go a lot.
Ueda: Are there other Johnny's members you often drink with? For example?
Mabo: Matchy-san and Higashi-san.
Ueda: Ah, I see!
Mabo: We go often.
Ueda: Are there times when a lot of Johnny's members get together and have fun?
Ueda: For example, at a new year party or an end of the year party
Mabo: There are...
Mabo: Only at the end of the year we all go see a stageplay.
Mabo: It was an afternoon show.
Mabo: Since it was in the afternoon, it ended early (in the evening) so we said, "Let's go eat."
Mabo: We would have disbanded at 5 or 6pm...
Ueda: Right, right.
Mabo: But isn't that a little early?
Mabo: When you eat, you drink too, right?
Mabo: So when you stop eating and drinking at that time, it's like...
Ueda: Like "We've only just started!"
Mabo: Former Hikaru Genji member, Sato Atsuhiro-sempai, and I were standing there and said, "If we called everyone in Johnny's Jimusho, how many do you think would come?"
Mabo: So the two of us called a lot of people
Mabo: and in the end, Matchy-san came.
Mabo: Higashiyama-san came.
Mabo: Atsuhiro-sempai was already there, then Yamaguchi, Joshima, and I.
Ueda: They all came out?
Mabo: From V6 we got Nagano, Sakamoto, and Inohara.
Mabo: Then Domoto Koichi, and um... Takizawa, Aiba.
Mabo: We got a lot to come out.
Harada: Amazing!
All: Wow!
Arita: Yeah but, if I may, three years ago at our end of the year party,
Arita: we had Samaazu, Yamazaki, and Yahagi join us.
Arita: And we thought, "This is kind of sad. It's an end of the year party, so let's get more people!"
Arita: So using our respective networks, we called everybody to come out.
Arita: But after all that, only Kuro-chan showed up.
Mabo: Kuro-san, huh?
Ueda: Hey you... could you not talk after Matsuoka-kun?
Ueda: All of your stories are lame!
Arita: But comedians aren't going to lose either!
Ueda: Yes we are!
Ueda: It's a complete loss!
Ueda: What do you do on your days off?
Ueda: Is there something you're into?
Mabo: As of late, I go golfing.
Ueda: It looks like you do body sculpting exercise.
Mabo: I don't at all.
Arita: No way!
Arita: But your arms are really in shape!
Mabo: It's because we're in the middle of our concerts.
Mabo: We're on tour right now.
Nagura: That's from drumming?
Mabo: Yes.
Ueda: Is there something you definitely do?
Mabo: Ah, on the other hand, I suffer from edema*, so before appearing on TV,
*Note: a condition where the body swells due to retained fluids
Mabo: I always go to the sauna for two or two and a half hours.
Arita: Oh! The sauna! The comedians won't lose this one!
Tokui: You won't lose this!
Ueda: You’re not going to be defeated?
Harada: I, too, go to the sauna after I'm finished with work.
Mabo: You do? It's nice, isn't it!
Mabo: I go in the mornings before (shooting) my drama, and I went before this show too.
Harada: That's right!
Harada: The whole time we were in Kyoto, you were going to the sauna, weren't you?
Mabo: Yeah!
Harada: When we were filming in Kyoto's Uzumasa for several days,
Harada: I said to the Uzumasa staff, "I really like saunas..."
Harada: So the staff said, "Oh, you should ask Matsuoka-kun then!"
Harada: “Matsuoka-kun knows all the saunas in this area.”
Mabo: I do, I know them all.
Mabo: I know all their hours of business.
Ueda: You love saunas that much?
Mabo: Incidentally, I know all of them in the places we go for concerts.
Ueda: Do you find that information out first?
Mabo: I do.
Harada: What do you like about the sauna?
Mabo: If you don’t go, you won’t know
Harada: I go for the cold water bath.
Mabo: Ah, I get it. It feels good, doesn't it?
Arita: Why are you acting all cool?!
Mabo: It feels good, right?
Harada: Because (the bath) feels nice!
Arita: You're going to look at everyone's private parts!
Arita: Am I right?
Harada: Let's knock it off this month with those kind of stories*
*Note: His hand gesture signifies homosexuality.
Mabo: “This month…”
Arita: The towel he's using gradually floats up
Harada: Cut it out, you!
Arita: But we're not losing this one!
Mabo: When I watch you, I think the talk really goes in that direction, doesn’t it?
Mabo: “Ah, there he goes again?”
Nagura: I think it’s best if we leave their dialogue alone.
Ueda: But can you really get that much muscle from drumming?
All: Normally it wouldn’t be that much, right?
Mabo: You can! It’s possible from drumming!
Ueda: So you must be good at arm wrestling?
Mabo: I’m not at all.
Ueda: Taizo, you try it.
Ueda: Have a sauna match.
Harada: For what?
Ueda: Arm wrestling.
Ueda: A sauna match.
Ken: The winner gets all the saunas in Shibuya.
Mabo: Ah, I do go to Shibuya.
Harada: I go to Shibuya too.
Mabo: The one on the fourth floor?
Harada: Right! Right!
Harada: You go there too?
Mabo: I did when I was in senior high school.
Harada: High school?!
Ueda: That looks bad!
Ueda: You’re now going to the sauna Matsuoka-kun went to when he was in high school!
Ueda: So anyway, Matsuoka-kun, if you please…
Mabo: Yes!
Someone: The sauna battle!
Ueda: Taizo is the strongest among us!
Mabo: Is that so?
Harada: Yeah.
Mabo: Arm wrestling, huh, will this be okay?… it’s been a while.
Harada: I’m not going to hold back!
Ueda: Of course you should!
Ueda: The loser can’t go to that area’s saunas anymore, right?
All: He’s forbidden!
All: The loser is forbidden!
Harada: Let’s think about it for a minute – Matsuoka-kun doesn’t even go there anymore…
Nagura: WE SAID YOU’RE FORBIDDEN, TAIZO!
Nagura: You can’t go.
Ueda: You can’t go there.
Nagura: You just can’t.
Harada: I’m pretty strong!
Mabo: Ah, I see! I’ll do my best!
Harada: Please do.
Narrator: Coming up, Johnny’s secret leader of hoodlums gives orders to Taizo not to go to the sauna!
Narrator: Also, he fills us in on the secrets of the agency!
Ueda: The Johnny’s who have the worst drinking habits are…
Mabo: XXXX drinks 3 oolong tea cocktails and gets short tempered.
Harada: I’m pretty strong!
Mabo: Ah, I see! I’ll do my best!
Harada: Please do.
Mabo: Are you right handed?
Harada: I am.
Ueda: Ok, take your positions.
Ken: He’s gotta be strong!
Ueda: Are you ready?
Ueda: Ok?
Ueda: Ready… go!
Ueda: Ah, these two are….oh!
Ueda: Simple as that!
Ueda: You lost to Matsuoka!
Ueda: Taizo! Taizo! You’re forbidden in the saunas.
Harada: Wait just a minute!
Harada: He’s incredibly strong!
Arita: So far on Shabekuri, Taizo has won against all the people who thought they were strong.
Mabo: Really?
Mabo: By the way, I’m left handed.
All: EHH?!
Mabo: I’m actually left handed.
Mabo: Shall we go once more and put the Shinjuku saunas on the line?
Ueda: The Shinjuku saunas!
Mabo: Finland! Finland!
Harada: Let’s battle for Finland!
Ueda: Using the left hand?
Mabo: Yes!
Nagura: Just quit at this point.
Harada: I…. have a son to think about!!
Ueda: Taizo, give it all you got!
Ueda: Let’s do a simulation!
Ueda: That’s the stuff!
Ueda: Let’s make it look good!
Harada: Alright!
Ueda: Ready… go!
Harada: Higashimurayama!
*Note: A sauna perhaps or an area with saunas? Idk.
Ueda: Go, Taizo! Go!
Ueda: Taizo, go!
Ueda: Taizo, go!
Harada: He’s so strong!
Harada: He’s REALLY strong!
Ueda: Taizo, you are now forbidden from the Shinjuku saunas.
All: There’s no hope.
Ueda: It’s all pointless.
Ueda: There’s probably a difference in your levels.
Harada: The cool thing about Matsuoka-kun is
Harada: he waits until I put all my force into it
Harada: then when I get tired, he goes “whomp.”
Harada: Completely shreds my pride!
Ueda: Should we move on to today’s main segment?
Mabo: Yes, please!
Ueda: It says here you’re the “Johnny’s wakagashira*.”
*Note: leader of a crime syndicate’s henchmen
Ueda: Do they really say that about you?
Mabo: Wakagashira?
Mabo: Well then, let’s go with that!
Ueda: Johnny’s wakagashira, Matsuoka Masahiro, will lift the secret veil shrouding the secret sides of Johnny’s members!
All: We wanna see that!
Mabo: I’ll tell all!
Ueda: Johnny’s wakagashira, Matsuoka Masahiro’s Johnny’s 007!
Tokui: I wanna hear this!
Harada: Should be interesting…
Ueda: We have written here “Johnny’s Number One something is….”
Ueda: Matsuoka-kun will tell us all about it.
Ueda: And if things look like it could be bad for the agency, we’ll put in beeps and do summaries of the good parts.
Mabo: Anything goes!
Ueda: That’s right!
Mabo: It can’t be helped if you’ve brought me out here!
Mabo: If you ask, I’m gonna tell!
Ueda: Johnny’s number one masculine member is…
Ueda: Let’s try to guess first?
Ueda: Your own idea…
Nagura: We have no idea!
Mabo: I think it will surprise you.
Ueda: Fukuda, who do you think it is?
Fukuda: Arashi’s Ohno-kun.
Ueda: Ah, that’s unexpected.
Ueda: Tokui, how about you?
Tokui: He looks supple, but in reality… Domoto Koichi-san.
Ueda: Ahh, I see. I see.
Ueda: Let’s look at the answer. Johnny’s number one masculine member is…
Ueda: AH! Yamapi!
Ueda: That certainly is unexpected!
Mabo: If it’s masculinity, I think “This guy’s tough!,” that Yamashita Tomohisa.
Ueda: What aspect of him?
Mabo: Well, we often go drinking, and even when he’s just listening, his gaze while thinking is that of a man’s.
Mabo: Like “Men have to be like this!” and so on.
Mabo: His way of thinking about things is so solid it makes me think, “You’re a great person!”
Mabo: I once saw him and Ikuta Toma drinking together at a place I sometimes go, and I thought, “I’ll join them,” but when I heard what they were talking about – probably something about work – the two of them were really intense and saying, “You can’t do that, it’s like this” and “Yeah, that’s true” and stuff.
Mabo: I listened to their serious conversation and thought, “These two are real men!”
Mabo: “This is nice!”
Ueda: It looked like he really gave his all in “Ashita no Joe.”
Nagura: He was really stoic.
Ueda: It was hard on his body.
Mabo: He didn’t slack off at all.
Ueda: He really practiced boxing!
Nagura: That’s for certain.
Mabo: Yamashita’s way of doing it was like an athlete.
Ueda: So the most masculine one is Yamapi.
Ken: It’s Yamashita!
Someone: Wow…
Ueda: Shall we go to this one? The scariest one is…
Ueda: Let’s think about this one too.
Harada: Someone who left a scary impression in the minds of the kouhai?
Ueda: Is that part of it?
Mabo: Yeah, that’s the way I was going with it.
Narrator: Up next, we reveal the name of the scariest member in Johnny’s!
Mabo: If they were my sempai, I would absolutely be (reprimanded)!
[More narration about the guests yet to come.]
Ueda: Shall we go to this one? The scariest one is…
Ueda: Let’s think about this one too.
Harada: Someone who left a scary impression in the minds of the kouhai?
Ueda: Is that part of it?
Mabo: Yeah, that’s the way I was going with it.
Nagura: Kouhai, huh?
Ueda: Nagura, who do you think it is?
Nagura: Kamenashi-kun.
Ueda: Ah, Kamenashi-kun.
Ueda: So the scariest member of Johnny’s is…!
Ueda: Tackey?!
Ueda: Tackey??
Mabo: When I asked several kouhai, no matter who it was, Takizawa’s name came up.
Mabo: He was probably boss of the juniors at that time.
Ueda: Ahh, I see.
Mabo: It wasn’t power, it was education – he was doing stage plays and was the leader – and he’s professional in how he teaches the kouhai different things.
Mabo: Domoto Koichi’s the same.
Mabo: In my mind, Domoto Koichi and Takizawa are kouhai that I’m glad are my kouhai.
Ueda: Ahh, like if they were your sempai…
Mabo: If they were my sempai, I would absolutely be (reprimanded)!
Ueda: You’d get lectured?
Ueda: By the way, who is the person you anger the most?
Mabo: The one who got mad at me the most was definitely Higashiyama-sempai.
Ueda: Ah, you were taught by Higashiyama-san?
Mabo: I certainly was.
Ueda: What sorts of things did he teach you?
Mabo: He said, “Your way of doing things may not be wrong, but your way of thinking that you’ll win by power alone is wrong.”
Ueda: That’s so cool!
Mabo: “You can’t grow up in this world thinking you’re strong in all your battles.”
Ueda: I see, I see. But average people probably aren’t seeing the Johnny’s in that way.
Ueda: Like the power differentials…
Mabo: Ah, that’s true.
Arita: Because they address each other with ‘-kun,’ it’s like, “Maybe they’re all casual?”
Ueda: But it seems the Johnny’s are doing things properly!
Mabo: I think certain things are probably strict.
Harada: Being polite…
Nagura: It’s amazing that they’re properly greeting each other.
Arita: But in comedy too, it’s like what Nagura says, he’s polite and stuff, and Nagura’s teaching is great too—
Nagura: HEY YOU!
Nagura: You’re three years younger than me!
Arita: Be quite! Be quiet! Be quite!
Nagura: Hold it, you!
Arita: Nagura’s manners!
Arita: Nagura’s really good at teaching…
Nagura: You’re not addressing me properly, and you’re using casual speech!
Arita: I’m saying you’re the dude who’s awesome at it!
Nagura: I’m not a “dude!”
Nagura: I am three years older than you!
Ueda: “I’m three years older than you!”
Ueda: Well anyway, the Johnny’s with the worst drinking habits are…
Ueda: This one’s hard to picture! We don’t know who!
Nagura: We’ve never drank with them.
Ueda: The Johnny’s with the worst drinking habits are who…
Ueda: Ah! Leader and Yamaguchi-kun!
Ueda: Is that so?
Mabo: Yamaguchi goes into violent older brother mode.
Nagura: Violent older brother?
Arita: Even though he’s always so calm!?
Mabo: When that guy goes on kouhai’s TV shows, like going on location, he generally gives all our kouhai a brain buster*
*Note: A pro wrestling move where you drop someone on his head.
Ueda: He gets like that?
Mabo: Dozens of people have had Yamaguchi Tatsuya’s brain buster.
Ken: A brain buster?!
Nagura: How do you do that?
Mabo: He does brain busters on the beach and even on beds.
Ueda: When he drinks, does he want to hang out with people?
Mabo: He gets fired up.
Ueda: Rather than fired up, it’s troublesome!
Mabo: That’s why we say he’s got bad drinking habits.
Ken: Is it fun to drink with him?
Mabo: He is fun to drink with.
Ueda: What about Leader?
Mabo: He’s not so much fun!
Nagura: Well that’s no good!
Mabo: It’s true.
Ueda: What does Leader do when he drinks?
Mabo: He’s annoying.
Ueda: In what way?
Mabo: First of all, he’s annoying even before we go drinking.
Ueda: Even before you go?
Mabo: So our work will end, and we’ll say, “Great job today. Shall we go out drinking?”
Mabo: But our Leader first goes home, showers, and changes clothes.
Ueda: That is annoying!
Tokui: There are people like that!
Mabo: And he suddenly shows up in a suit!
Ueda: Like evening wear?
Mabo: And that suit is… how do I put it…?
Mabo: rather than being “stylish,” it’s “experienced.”
Tokui: That kind of suit, huh?
Mabo: He’ll put a scarf with the suit because he likes that kind of style.
Mabo: When we were on Kouhaku Utagassen, we have meetings and rehearsals, right?
Mabo: When we were all lined up, only our Leader looked like an enka* star.
*Note: a pop music style resembling older forms of traditional Japanese music.
Fukuda: Even though he’s a Johnny…
Ueda: When he drinks, what happens?
Mabo: He does a lot of annoying things. Magic, for one.
Tokui: Magic?!
Nagura: He does magic?
Fukuda: Leader’s doing magic?
Mabo: Magic tricks!
Nagura: In the suit?
Arita: He’s training!
Ueda: That’s why he goes home!
Mabo: He’ll take your hand like this and say, ”What’s in your palm? Try curling your fingers,” and then a flower pops out.
Ueda: How annoying!
Mabo: When you’re drinking, I can understand doing that for girls, but for your own band mates?!
Mabo: Even though we’re trying to talk, we’re saying “What? What?” and he’s like, “Look! Look! Close your hand!”
Mabo: “Ah, a flower! Whatever!”
Harada: But Leader’s so cute, after all!
All: True true!
Nagura(?): He is beloved!
Ueda: You gotta love him!
Ueda: Let’s go on to this one. The most perfect Johnny!
All: Perfect, huh?
Ueda: Let’s try to guess that one too.
Nagaru: This one has to be Higashi-san, right?
Ueda: Ah, that’s true. We imagine that Higashi-san is perfect, don’t we?
Ueda: What do you think, Fukuda?
Fukuda: Maybe Sakurai Sho-kun?
Mabo: That’s for sure.
Ueda: Ah, Sho-kun.
Fukuda: He’s got a perfect image.
Ueda: Ken-chan, what about you?
Ken: Someone who dances well and has a slim body… the ballerina…
Ueda: That’s no good!
Ueda: Once you said “ballerina,” we didn’t want to hear anymore.
Mabo: But he’s onto something. Dancing, singing, acting- this person is the best, in my opinion.
Ueda: Oh I see.
Ueda: So that’s a hint?
Harada: Someone who’s perfect in dancing, singing, and acting?
Harada: It’s… Peter-san.*
*Note: An actor and singer from Osaka.
Ueda: That can’t be. Think “Johnny’s!”
Mabo: That’s true! He’s very good!
Ueda: Oh well, I give up. The most perfect Johnny is…
Ken: Ah, Sakamoto-kun!
Ueda: Is that so?
Mabo: There’s no doubt in my mind.
Ueda: His acting, singing, and dancing?
Mabo: When I go see his stage plays, I think, “Wow…”
Mabo: When I’m watching Sakamoto-kun’s plays, those are the times I most often think, “I have to try harder.”
Mabo: Of course there are others as well, but for me, Sakamoto-sempai is number one.
Harada: A while ago, I was in the make-up room and I asked around, “Who is the—how do I put it?—the best person? The most perfect person?”
Harada: Sakamoto-kun was number one that time too.
Mabo: Is that so?
Ueda: Really?
Arita: You asked everyone that?
Harada: At that time I did.
Arita: You asked the make-up artists about men?
Harada: I did.
Arita: Ehhh?!
Harada: Don’t misunderstand me, I was asking out of curiosity.
Arita: Normally you’d ask the make-up artists “Who is the prettiest (woman)?”
Ueda: Ah, that’s true.
Arita: But you asked “Who is the most perfect Johnny?”
Arita: “Sakamoto-kun, huh?<3”
Arita: And then the towel started to rise up.
Ueda: Why is he wearing a towel in the make-up room?!
Ueda: We’ve learned a lot about the Johnny’s, and finally we get to the last one.
Ueda: The biggest blabbermouth Johnny!
Nagura: This poor person!
Mabo: Well, he’s pretty indiscreet!
[Even more narration]
Ueda: Should we have a look?
All: Do it!
Ueda: The biggest blabbermouth Johnny is…
Ueda(?): This is unexpected!
Ueda: You gotta be kidding!
Mabo: Think about it-- He’s the sempai who knows everything about us.
Ueda: So he blabs everything?
Mabo: No no, of course he doesn’t say it.
Mabo: It’s just that when we’re all eating together and talking about things, when the talk turns to something where I said, “Please don’t say anything,” he says, “Well as for that, Matsuoka also—ahh…” and purposely puts it out there.
Ueda: Sort of teasing you a bit.
Mabo: Yes.
Ueda: That doesn’t seem like Higashiyama-san’s image.
Nagura: Right.
Ueda: Which means that the biggest blabbermouth is actually Matsuoka-kun.
Mabo: That’s right!
Ueda: Are there no other people in Johnny’s that will talk with you?
Mabo: No no, Higashiyama-sempai will talk to me.
Mabo: I think he listens to me about a lot.
Tokui: But he’s not like Matsuoka-kun who would say, “This guy here, ya know! He’s like this!
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